I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
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So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
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I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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