I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
