Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
