He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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