u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
