she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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