It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
