Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you didnt know i had herpes?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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