Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
