the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So apparently I’m into choking now
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
