finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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