Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
