There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
