I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
