so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
