those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
