I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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