I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
