just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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