Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
