She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
