sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
