Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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