In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Life is so much better after having sex.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
