I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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