He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
