I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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