In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
