Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
