chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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