fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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