theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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