also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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