Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
