I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
