i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
