pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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