Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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