I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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