...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
