I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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