life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
