I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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