Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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