My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
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Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
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I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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