Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
