Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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