Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
