Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
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We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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