I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
