I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
