This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
