It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Still dying that you shit outside
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
