i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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