everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
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Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
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Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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