I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
